Chapter Five: And Back to One

"Something's going on."

"What are you talking about?"

"Like some kind of wierd daisy chain of denial."

"Are you going to start speaking English any time soon?"

Pause.

"Look around you."

"Yeah?"

"What do you see?"

Obviously not the black cloud of imminient doom that you do."

"You get a good look at Weaver?"

"She always looks like that. Even when she's just gotten laid."

"How do you ... Nevermind. Look at what she's not doing."

"Why don't you just tell me?"

"She's not looking at Legaspi who is not looking at Lockhart."

"Kind of expected, since her girlfriend's in the room, dontcha think?"

Snort. "Are you kidding? Since they broke it off with each other, it's only gotten worse."

"Well, Lockhart's not looking at either of them."

"That's pretty much par for the course. More importantly, not only is she not looking at Legs and Der Kommandant, she's also actively avoiding Carter."

"Thought they were suddenly seeing each other now."

"Uh-huh. Plus, she's exchanged at least four significant glances with Kovac since she came on shift."

"You're giving me a headache. Can you just give me the bullet?"

"The bullet-- you blockhead-- is that some very big shit is about to hit a very big fan. And it's anybody's guess as to where the splatter's gonna end up."

"I don't want to talk to you." She wouldn't meet Abby's eyes, and that told the nurse a bit more than she'd expected when she'd seen Kim slip into the lounge. Almost of her own volition she had found herself following her ex-lover, consciously forcing herself to not think about what everyone else who was pretending not to notice her would think about the manuever.

"Things really that bad between you and Kerry?"

"Kerry and I are over." This said with a studied glare at the coffeepot and the mug she held in her hands. "And that's why I don't want to talk to you."

"Not over that phone call last night,"  Abby said flatly. "Not over me."

"I don't want to have this conversation right now."

"Little late to be shutting the barn door on this one."

"Ranching metaphors don't suit you," Kim said crossly, putting the coffee down and turning to face her.

"Nice duck and parry, but it didn't work," Abby rejoined calmly, searching the psychiatrist's face. Kim's hair was pulled back into a careless ponytail, exposing every line of pain etched into the graceful features of her face. Studying the turbulent blue gaze, she realized just how dangerously close to the bone these weeks had brought Kim. As close as she was herself. "What the fuck are we doing?" she murmured quietly, reaching instinctively towards her lover. 

"Don't."

Abby flinched at the abruptness in Kim's voice and stayed her arms. Folding them defensively instead against her chest, she surveyed Kim once more. "You're a mess."

"I know. That's why I'm not doing this here."

"Here? Or period?"

The waver in Kim's gaze told her more than she ever wanted to know about any kind of future she might have had with the doctor.

"When?"

Kim looked startled for a moment and cocked her head in silent query.

"You're leaving, right? I mean, considering you don't have the best relationship with the Board of Directors and Chief of Staff," she said, more bitterness than she would have liked coloring her tone.

"What would you have me do, Abby?" The genuine bewilderment in her ex-lover's question brought the nurse up short. "I'm hurting too much to keep going on the way that I have been. More importantly I'm hurting too many people. People that I love, like you."

"Damage control."

"Maybe, in some respects. Yeah."

"That's not love." Feeling foolishly like a sixteen-year old as she said it.

"Not the kind of love you need to make a life with someone, no."

"And you don't feel that for either one of us."

"It's not about feeling enough for you. Or Kerry."

"Then tell me what it is about."

"I can't get on with my life until I can get past nearly having my career and life wrecked by the one woman I loved more than anyone I ever have. And I can't keep using you as an emotional tourniquet to keep me from having to do that." This time Kim moved towards her, an elegant hand raking through Abby's hair and cupping the side of her face. The tenderness of the gesture threatened to undo them both, and Abby could feel the slight trembling in Kim's fingers as they came to rest over her heart. "As long as I have you, I don't have to deal with all the bad stuff. All I can see is you. And you make me feel alive in a way that no one else has ever done."

"I have to tell you, you are totally not selling me on why you should leave," Abby muttered, finding herself leaning into the pressure of Kim's hand.

"Why did you drink, Abby?"

The question was a cold slap of reality against the warmth of Kim's touch as it seeped beneath the thin cotton of her scrubs. "I think I see where this is headed." But the words still needed to be said, the ritual invoked.

So they could both move on.

So they could both say goodbye.

"I can't use you to get over her. Or to keep me from dealing with that I need to deal with."

"Can you use someone else and get back to me?" she asked wryly.

"You'll have stopped wanting me a long time before that."

"Don't be so sure about that, Legs."